All Mac OS X software not written by me sucks

I'm going to be generous here and give all Mac OS X software that's not written by me four burnt toasts. For those of you too intellectually challenged to understand this, that means The Landed Gentry of Mac Development™ sucks at creating software, and I rule.

Of course, I'm not one to just throw out vitriolic nonsense without backing it up with cold, hard facts. Because that would be irrational, stupid, and would make me look like a crazy retard. Which of course I'm not. I'm going to use MarsEdit as my example:

MarsEdit: Four Burnt Toasts (even though I'm not actually going to test it)

.Trashes

Actually testing software by running it isn't important in determining why all Mac OS X software not written by me sucks. Because the fact is, we need to look at what's truly important. Such as not removing the .Trashes folder from the distribution disk image. OMG, there it is: 454,656 bytes of pure shit the author doesn't even realize is there!

I know Grandma Rixstep would be looking at all those wasted bytes when evaluating MarsEdit for her blogging needs. (Actually, I don't know that. I hate Grandma Rixstep. I don't talk to her. I don't talk to anyone, actually. Just you, my faithful readers, on this blog.) So that's 1 burnt toast. 3 more to go.

Felonious TIFF Sizes

Holy crap: MarsEdit is occupying a whopping 752 kilobytes (yes, bold added for earth-shattering emphasis) of your 750 GB harddisk! This is not only a travesty of epic proportions, it is a CRIME. This is pure shite. The clown behind this app obviously has no clue what he's doing. God, just ten fucking seconds out of his life is all it would take to clean up this obscenity!

That's 1 more burnt toast. 2 more to go!

I hate the developer

Yeah, I don't like this Red Sweater guy. He's part of the Landed Gentry of Mac Development™. He sucks at writing software. Why is he developing blogging software anyway? Why not a really cool file browser that nobody uses (because it's too advanced for everyone but me)? So, yeah, what an asshole. That's 2 more burnt toasts just for that.

Lessons for the Landed Gentry

Wow, this is so pathetic. Good thing I'm so smart that I figured this all out for you, stupid users who don't know how to really evaluate software. This is the important stuff - at least, we all know people outside the "upper strata of the Macosphere" (as I so eloquently put it once) care about this important stuff I just reviewed above. I can't actually write an app anybody gives a damn about using. But I sure as hell know how to find those 122 junk files in MarsEdit. Because that's what really counts.

Lessons for Users

Don't be an idiot and don't accept this kind of BULLSHIT from the Landed Gentry of Mac Development™ any more! They want you to just sit down and take this! No more! DEMAND QUALITY SOFTWARE. (But not from me, because I write great apps already. I know what I'm doing. I consult for hundreds of famous companies and I make really cool file browser programs.)